How am I Supposed to Feel?

Grief is unique. There is no one size fits all. No 'this is how it's going to feel and here's how to deal with it,' book and if there is I'm not sure I'd be picking it up. I know there are stages of grief though: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That's what Google tells me anyway *laughs*

I've been shocked. That came before, where we had to accept that Uncle M was ill and never going to get better. No one expected to hear the news; at least as far as I'm aware no one did. One moment he had an illness he could recover from and the next he has an illness that he can not and will not recover from. I went briefly to not believing this could be true that once more cancer had invaded my family but this time it was taking someone with it. Then that made me understandably angry.

I have to say guilt was a big feeling for me over the first few days. But that's more private. I was lifted when I heard him speak on Wednesday evening. He was tired and weak but I heard him and heard everyone with him, all my family there by his side. I'm so, so happy I told him I loved him. Wednesday appeared to be a good day for him, one of his best. My parents came home on Thursday, he passed away in the early hours of Friday morning. I chose to deal with it later, after my first session at school with reception. I came home and I started to deal with it.

Now I'm just sad. Or I'm okay. I didn't know my uncle well. I wrote to him a number of times, I sent photos of his growing great niece and nephew. I called the hospitals whenever he was admitted with an illness to find out how he was. I now know it doesn't matter that I wasn't able to or never got around to meeting him again and more often. I cared about him and loved him just like we all did and I hope he knows that. In fact, I have no doubts that he knew that.

So I am okay. But I'm also sad. Really sad. Then I'm okay again. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel but I know that whatever it is, it's okay.

Cupcake Mumma

The Simple Things...

Wonderfully large Bumble Bees coming out to find my flowers. I've had to rescue several already from my kitchen. They seem to be able to get in but not get out quite as easy.

A wrap and a hot chocolate whilst reading the paper on your own.

Starting to stick my letters and some wonderful stamps in the scrap book I've owned for 2 years!

Beautiful Blossom

My son starting to write properly and drawing pictures not just for me but for his teachers too. So proud.

Having a tidy house, donating a bag of old bits to a friend who does car boot sales, reading a good blog post, finding inspiring recipes for next weeks meals, eating a healthy dinner with the children, walking to school with my husband, my daughter cycling to school looking so grown up, simple bread recipes, a clean bathroom, a shower after a workout, a thank-you e-mail, a .good morning, I love you' text and many other things.

Can you name some wonderfully simple things from this week?

Date Day!

Since becoming parents of two lovely children it's been harder and harder to grab some time to ourselves as partners, not just parents. I can't remember the last one Mr B and I had a date night or set aside something decent for during the day. Over the last few months I have made bookings for hotels not too far from home but they have had to be cancelled due to work or other commitments Mr B has made. Last week though Mr B was determined to be the successful date organiser and thinking outside the box (which I'm not so great at because I'm more dine me then take me to a lovely hotel with a massive bed with no kids in and a huge tub I can lie in for an hour..) Mr B did have plans for a nice hot meal in town but first he had something much more spontaneous in mind...

Yep. We went skating baby! Now my Husband is not the smallest man in the world, he's built more like a rugby player and carries a few extra pounds (who doesn't these days!) you'd expect him to be all over the place right? Well I thought he would be but no, I'm yet to find a sport related activity or form of extraordinary exercise that my husband is rubbish at. I was awesome at blading when I was a pre teen so thought I'd be a natural at this 4 wheels on the feet lark. I wasn't, I fell over within 5 minutes, the second time I stacked it so bad I had to hang my head and go and get wrist and knee supports that were oh so wisely offered but turned down by myself. When I returned it took me 15 minutes to fall again, I very nearly had a paddy I can tell you this, there were six year olds' doing better than me! I lasted another 20 minutes I suspect before heading to the slushie machine where we both decided enough was enough. We both had loads of fun, Mr B was really good at skating so was obviously banging on about going again straight after we left the building! He was however squeezing his feet into a pair of size 12 boots when he is a 13 so taking them off was quite a relief to him too! I'll be getting 4's next time, I mean obviously I was so rubbish because I was wearing 5's..... *ah hem*

We mooched around the market but that was a let down so went into the supermarket to explore the free from aisle (it's a habit I have) I got some new bits and some other items I find irresistible like lemon wafers, rice milk chocolate, peanut and coconut cookies and these Nakd salted caramel fruit pieces.

We headed back to town where we both enjoyed a sit down (myself rather gingerly) to eat a nice cooked meal. I stuffed my face with chips, sausage, egg and beans. I wasn't disappointed. We then headed home to enjoy the peace and quiet of the house before the children tumbled in an hour or so later from Grandmas house where they had seen Great Grandma, helped in the garden and popped over to see Pops and play for a bit.

We all had a great day out actually but it was so wonderful to spend that quality time with my husband after not having done properly for a long time. He wants to skating again... I've suggested swimming, cinema and of course a hotel stay but I'm thinking I might not get my way (skating then hotel to ease my pain perhaps?)

When was the last time you enjoyed some me time or time with your partner? What did you get up to? If you're in need of some, I hope you get some soon!

Cupcake Mumma

Dear March.....#A-ZChallenge

Dear March,

I usually title these posts something like '10 Things I loved in...' but as it's the a-z challenge I thought I'd write a thank you for all the things we got up to during the lovely month that was March 2015. We welcomed spring with some lovely walks, seeing the beginning of beautiful flowers in the nearby neighbourhood green...

I had some wonderful hot chocolate dates with my Little Man before nursery. I consumed a lot of medium sized caramel hot chocolates in March and Little A had a number of baby hot chocolates himself. Sometimes we went wild and added cherry bakewells into the mix...

At the end of the month we had the Easter bonnet parade where both my children made me feel incredibly proud. Midge was walking with her friend even giving her a high five at the end of the cat walk whilst Little A, who only last Christmas was a crying wreck during a Christmas choir of sorts with the rest of his nursery buddies, strutted down the cat walk, hand in hand with another little girl, waving a grinning from ear to ear. I may have cried...

March brought me lots of little things like an opportunity to squirrel away a few pounds for Christmas, lots of happy mail from my pen pals and swap partners and the introduction of Sky TV which means I can watch Friends until I'm sick of it. Thanks March...okay, and everyone else involved.

We enjoyed several lovely walks and I helped Little A climb some trees for the first time...

I also had a wonderful Mothering Sunday...

Thank-you March, for a wonderful month.

Cupcake Mumma

Craft Swap ~ A-Z Challenge C

I'm late posting my challenge post today, I hope to be organised next week but life is hectic on school holidays and I'm still plodding along nicely so I'm not going to pressure myself! I want to share my latest swap gift which was from Gemma as part of Dainty & Ivory's #DICraftSwap. The theme was love which was so nice!

Here are the lovely gifts I received in my mail box last month (sorry for poor lighting and photo quality) :

And my partner turned out to be one of my rather wonderful penpals Sarah who blogs here. Here's the package I put together for her:

What February Means To Me

Lots of love! I do all the seasonal occasions but I respect there are many people who hate them, especially Valentines! We don't buy into the commercial rubbish but we usually make a card and get a little gift and enjoy breakfast in bed. This year we're having a joint birthday breakfast for A and my niece who is 3 on the 13th, so that will be a room full of happiness and love! In general though I'm lucky I'm in a marriage where we often see something one of us would like and buy it anyway but I still like to 'do' Valentine's Day; it's harmless to us.

I can feel spring around the corner despite the very definite chill in the air.

Looking forward to change. With spring so near, I start to want to de-clutter my home and mind and to feel lighter.

The first half term for the children since the festive holidays looms near and I always look forward to this one.

It's the month my Little Man was born. This year he'll be 4 but it doesn't feel that he'll be that age just yet thankfully. I don't feel he's growing up as fast my Midge!

With big sister Midge

Pancakes!! I love pancake day! Since all my tooth trouble I've really cut back on my sugar, which is a big deal because my sweet tooth is a big sweet tooth. I won't give up pancakes covered in lemon juice and sugar though no way.

It's still cold enough for hot chocolate.

What does February mean to you?

Siblings in May!

A really lovely moment captured for this months Siblings post with Dear Beautiful. Last week both of my little sweeties came down with a random bout of sickness (random because they were only sick twice then perfectly fine!)

As they watched television and I tidied up the dining area, I looked across at Midge who brought Little A in a little closer and covered them both with a thick duvet. Little A shuffled around a bit to cosy up to his big sister and brought his blanket up to her shoulder for extra comfort like he does to his Daddy and I.

Precious moments indeed.

Cupcake Mumma

Siblings in April

It's currently the Easter holidays which hasn't seen us doing very much at all but what it has done is force my two little ones to actually play together throughout the day. Largely it's been a success! There has of course been the bickering and Little A still kicks off if things aren't quite going his way but we try not give in to him all the time because it's not fair on Midge. I think she doesn't particularly mind all the time however because he does makes some noise which we're all grateful to not hear anymore!

We've had some fun moments on the trampoline, digging in the garden, playing with play doh, walking into town and spending a day out with Grandma and Pops.

Yesterday was one of our 'sort of' quiet moments! I was trying to grab a lay in but these two monkeys didn't want to appreciate peace and quiet (do they ever?) and played hide and seek,pulled funny faces,striped off and ran around my room butt naked in little A's case too! I took this photo which I love. They're in the process of hiding under the covers. Midge is typically playing up to the camera!

The other photo I love is the one below of us all on the trampoline. We sat there for a while and I handed them their Easter gift from an Instagram swap I signed up to for them. Both were so excited by their gifts and sweet treats. It was a nice moment because it involved no squabbling over the items, not even once.

Cupcake Mumma

A-Z Challenge- L

L is for Little Miss

Also known on this blog as 'Midge. My adorable, stubborn, strong willed drama queen of a 5 year old daughter.

Little Miss and I didn't have a great start to this whole Mother and Daughter business. After she was born I just couldn't bond with my baby girl and it didn't take long to be at the grips of postnatal depression. The depression twisted my thoughts, my heart. It made me think and say things that I just did not truly believe. It made me hand over my week old daughter and beg my now Husband to leave me, take her and never come back.

How glad am I that I grabbed my depression by the throat and threw it out into the night? Incredibly glad. My daughter is exactly like me. She is stubborn, sensitive, prone to shyness and always wanting to be liked. She is a caring member of her class, always helping other children out when they need it, always helping the teacher if they ask. She's a bit of a suck up in some ways (just like me then!)

We both love nature and art. We will be in our element when sat writing or colouring in. We both loved our old house and miss the countryside, so when we visit my Mum and Dad's place I always get moaned at until we venture out to the harbour, see the boats, the sea and maybe grab a sneaky ice cream!

Midge  saved me in many ways. Ways only I will ever know. My baby girl means the world to me.

CupcakeMumma

Self Care and Why it is So Important

Question: What was the last thing you did for yourself and let it really matter?

I get to pop to the shops on my own every now and again but the knowledge of returning home to my 'jobs' often lingers in the back of my mind. This means I'm not focusing fully on myself and my time alone. It means, instead of thinking through other things whilst I sip my hot chocolate, I'm focusing on other people and not myself and my precious me time.
I may get to paint my nails in quiet but I find I never pick the right time and rush through what should be a more delicate and peaceful piece of me time for fear of getting interrupted.

Self care is so very important yet we as parents put our needs to the bottom of the pile and often forget to look after ourselves. To nourish ourselves physically and mentally. If we do not look after our own physical and mental health, our well being, if we continue to neglect ourselves and place ourselves to the bottom of the pile then we can become lost. We can become tired and frustrated and become heavy from the day to day lives we lead.

I'd like to share with you some ways I look after myself. I have always needed me time. I have always needed to be alone on occasions or to fulfill certain challenges and adventures either by myself or with friends. I have a husband who understands this and supports me. We recognise that we are not only parents but people too who have needs, wants and feelings that all need to be fulfilled in some way or another.

Self Care in my life:

2014 is About Me, Family and Getting Groovy!

I remember Groovy Mums being set up some time ago by the lovely, inspiring Kate from Kate on Thin Ice. When it was first set up I was new to blogging and I wasn't all that confident so I kept myself to myself as far as sharing anything about myself, my dreams etc were concerned.

I've been blogging over two years now and my confidence has changed a lot as far as writing and sharing things on here goes, so I'd like to share with you how I'd like to see 2014 go. I want 2014 to be about my family and about doing more things for myself.

For myself I want to do more crafting. I'm no crafter, not by a long shot but I have a wedding in July I plan on making a gift for and I love putting together homemade gifts. My favourite was a nappy cake I made my sister in law 2 years ago when she had her daughter- I loved making that!

I've also set myself the challenge to make everyone a card this year instead of lining the pockets of those card factories.

I want to start yoga but this will have to fit in at home as all local classes are in the evening or too far to travel. I'll be investing in a mat and reading up on yoga. I used to do it as a teen so I know I don't need a class. I do need the push though!

Finally the longest and hardest battle is with my social anxiety and excessive blushing, the latter I have no control over and has caused me so much mental hurt. I am attending a Mamas Retreat next month with Pippa from Story of Mum and many other mums too. I'm very excited and I can't wait to see our place for the night but there seem to be many factors that scare me. Will I get on with the others? Will they all be older mums who think I'm a silly younger mum? Will I blush and then make everyone awkward? Will I fart during my yoga session? (OK that's just to make you laugh but it is a possibility, it's intense yoga after all!)

All those things above apply to my fear (but want and need) to return to college. I feel like a prisoner sometimes but everyone who understands is on line and not here. Here, in real life, you get the words of wisdom but they lack experience, knowledge or understanding. I am optimistic for the future though.

I also want 2014 to be more about family. I want to spend time with my nieces and nephews before they no longer find me fun or entertaining. I want to treat the children to some days out. Ice skating at Christmas, a visit to the Eden project, picnics in summer; all sorts!

Family also includes my husband, whom I want to spend more time with. I've booked us a hotel in Plymouth for his birthday treat. Start as you mean to go on and all that!

Finally, a massive focus of mine is Project Kindness. You can see my page here which lists all the things I want to do this year. I start next month by giving blood which petrifies me (needle phobia!) I have a wonderful pen pal who kicked Cancers butt and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for not only the medicine we are so fortunate to have here but also the blood donated by selfless people on a regular basis.

Kindness should be felt and it should be spread! If you want to join me do consider Project Kindness, A Year in Gifts or my upcoming 31 days of kindness in March. The support would be ace.

Here's to 2014 and to all of us making positive changes.

Cupcake Mumma

2013- Thank-You For a good Year

For myself and my family 2013 has been a good year. We've had ups and downs like many others. We've had personal things to get through, family have landed in difficult situations where we've done our best to step in and lend a hand. Sometimes this is hard but it is good and necessary. I think my biggest disappointment of 2013 was to have both my gorgeous hamsters die and I think you'll agree, that if that's my worst then I should be grateful and believe me, I am. So please 2014, I pray for a good, kind and giving year for my family and a better year for a lot of those who I love and care about.

Here is a little round up of the highs of 2013 in my house. Because you should always remember the good times.

 In January Midge turned 5. She had such a wonderful day and a lovely party too.

She must have lost 8 teeth this year:

With Grandma whom she adores!

Little A turned 2. That was hard but exciting. There's a lot more to come from him yet. 

In 2014 he'll be potty training and starting nursery!

My Dad got a new job:

Having a belated celebratory lunch

I climbed a frickin mountain!!

On top of Mount Snowdon with Team Honk

I met one of my best blogging friends:

Kat and I lagging behind as usual! I'll be meeting you in 2014 again Mrs!

I've sent literally a year in gifts:

Something that has really opened my heart up a lot more to those around me

We had several wonderful holidays:

Midge in Cambridge

Little A in Newquay

There was an awesome Halloween party

My little girl started Year 1!

I had an amazing 24th birthday!

Other highlights:

I met my real life best friend and pen pal for the first time ever in Cambridge

We moved into a beautiful new house

Celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary

We said goodbye to our lovely hamster Crunchie and hello to Maisy. Sadly she only lasted a few months before passing but she made me so happy whilst here.

We saw a lot of my nieces and nephews over this year and that was amazing.

My favourite posts of 2013

A Year in Gifts

Free From Custard filled Choux Buns

The Pain of Postnatal Depression

Opening up About Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

My New Project

Mummy's dress

Thank-you to each and every one of you who has read and stayed with me on my blogging journey which I do so enjoy! I hope 2014 brings you much happiness. 

Hannah A.K.A

Cupcake Mumma!