How am I Supposed to Feel?

Grief is unique. There is no one size fits all. No 'this is how it's going to feel and here's how to deal with it,' book and if there is I'm not sure I'd be picking it up. I know there are stages of grief though: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That's what Google tells me anyway *laughs*

I've been shocked. That came before, where we had to accept that Uncle M was ill and never going to get better. No one expected to hear the news; at least as far as I'm aware no one did. One moment he had an illness he could recover from and the next he has an illness that he can not and will not recover from. I went briefly to not believing this could be true that once more cancer had invaded my family but this time it was taking someone with it. Then that made me understandably angry.

I have to say guilt was a big feeling for me over the first few days. But that's more private. I was lifted when I heard him speak on Wednesday evening. He was tired and weak but I heard him and heard everyone with him, all my family there by his side. I'm so, so happy I told him I loved him. Wednesday appeared to be a good day for him, one of his best. My parents came home on Thursday, he passed away in the early hours of Friday morning. I chose to deal with it later, after my first session at school with reception. I came home and I started to deal with it.

Now I'm just sad. Or I'm okay. I didn't know my uncle well. I wrote to him a number of times, I sent photos of his growing great niece and nephew. I called the hospitals whenever he was admitted with an illness to find out how he was. I now know it doesn't matter that I wasn't able to or never got around to meeting him again and more often. I cared about him and loved him just like we all did and I hope he knows that. In fact, I have no doubts that he knew that.

So I am okay. But I'm also sad. Really sad. Then I'm okay again. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel but I know that whatever it is, it's okay.

Cupcake Mumma

My Sunday Photo ~ Rest in Peace

I did not know Aylan or Galip or Rehan Kurdi. I don't know any of the people fleeing their counties, risking their lives for a better one. That doesn't have to stop me from caring, from feeling helpless, or scared for them. Even when they make their long, exhausting and dangerous journey they still haven't reached the end, there is still so far to go. This candle is for all the very, very many men, women, children and babies who have so sadly and tragically lost their lives looking for a safer one. May they all rest in peace x

Aylan Kurdi Fund - Set up in honor of Aylan Kurdi. All donations go to Hand in Hand for Syria, a humanitarian agency.

Unicef - The UN's children's charity is helping provide clean water, medicine and psychological support to refugees. Just £9 provides an emergency water kit for a family.

Save The Children

Migrant Offshore Aid Station - Helping reach refugees who are in danger of drowning from overcrowded boats.

Facebook Page for those in Cornwall to help donate specific, much needed items.

Guest Post By Mia Lane: My Amazing Sister Needs Your Help

Hi all. My name’s Mia. The lovely Hannah has kindly allowed me to share a sad story that’s affected my family this month, in the hope that some of you might be able to help turn a tragedy into something really positive. 

Sometimes awful things happen to the people you love the most, and there are no words of comfort you can offer. All you can do is share their grief, be there when they need you and make a lot of tea. That’s the situation I find myself in right now.

Becca is my amazing sister. She’s funny, strong and super smart. Despite being the baby of the family, she’s the one who keeps me in check. She’s a primary school teacher in Liskeard and I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone who loves their job so much. She’d do anything for the kids and goes above and beyond to ensure they all leave her class at the end of the year feeling special.

Paul and Becca on their wedding day.

Last year she married her Mr Right, Paul, who’s the most supportive, kind husband she could wish for. They were delighted to discover they were pregnant last September and nicknamed their bump Lentil, because he was the size of a lentil when they received the good news. 

Two weeks ago Becca went into labour. The family gathered at my parents’ house in Plymouth ready for the birth. Everyone was so excited to finally meet Lentil. We went to bed on Saturday night hopeful that by morning we’d have news that he’d arrived safe and sound.

But it wasn’t to be. I was awoken by my Dad with news that Lentil hadn’t survived the birth. There’s no feeling like the sudden wave of shock and grief when you realise something terrible can’t be undone, and someone you want to protect so badly is enduring the most awful pain. 

Lentil Bear was born June 14th 2015

Becca and Paul had planned a home birth in Liskeard but were rushed to Derriford Hospital when Lentil’s heart rate unexpectedly started to drop. The hospital team began preparing for a C-section, but it was too late, Lentil’s heart had stopped. Becca delivered him naturally at 9 minutes past midnight on the 14th June in the Jasmine and Central Delivery Suite, a special unit set up for parents dealing with the loss of their baby. He weighed 8 pounds 11oz, with Becca’s tiny ears and mouth and Paul’s nose and feet. The whole family immediately fell in love with him, I was lucky enough to spend some time with Lentil at the unit and the strange combination of wonder and heartbreak on meeting a baby that hasn’t made it was like nothing I’ve ever felt. My main awe was with Becca and Paul who, through their complete devastation, managed to deal with the most horrific experience of their lives with grace, dignity and extreme strength. Their support for each other throughout has been a real inspiration.

At a time like this most couples would understandably shut the world out and grieve quietly, not Becca and Paul. Incredibly, they’ve decided to turn Lentil’s tragic death into something incredibly positive. They received huge support from the midwives and staff at Derriford, and thanks to the Jasmine and Central Delivery Suite special unit, were able to spend quiet time with Lentil before facing the real world. The unit needs to raise £200,000 to buy vital equipment and continue providing their incredible service. Becca and Paul set up the Lentil Bear Evans Memorial Fund to ensure that if other parents have to go through this awful experience, they will receive the same level of care and support from the Jasmine and Central Delivery Suite team. 

In just over a week they’ve raised almost £8000 for the fund, and are so grateful that Lentil’s story has encouraged so many generous donations and words of support. 

I could not be prouder of my sister and brother-in-law, it’s times like this that make you realise you don’t say those things enough. My sister’s ruddy brilliant, in fact, this experience has made me want to tell everyone just how incredibly kind, generous and loving my extended family is. I’m just sad Lentil won’t get to grow up knowing them all. 

There are still no words I can offer that will make anything better. And there are only so many cups of tea one girl can make. What I can do is help share their amazing story, raise awareness of the work of the Jasmine and Central Delivery Suite and ask people to support and share their amazing campaign, at www.justgiving.com/Lentil-Bear-Evans. 

All donations, no matter how small, will make a big difference to other parents during their saddest time, and will help offer a small glimmer of light to my amazing sister and brother-in-law that Lentil’s short life has left a lasting impression on our often unfair world. 

  

Thanks so much for reading this, it means a lot. And if you’ve got an amazing sister, remember to give her a squeeze and let her know.  

Mia with Becca and beloved dog Maisy.

Thank you for reading this post. When Mia mailed me to tell me of her sister and brother in laws story, as a parent it broke my heart. I would love this message to be spread as far and as wide as possible to help this increible unit continue to help support parents like Becca and Paul through one of those most unimaginable times of their lives. My love and strength goes out to you both, Becca and Paul as well to your family.

Hannah xx