Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Mental Health Awareness Week: We are Talking. You're Just not Listening

This week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. Of course I love to share these weeks with everyone; there are some amazingly strong and inspirational people out there. There are also some people really struggling out there who stumble across posts and tweets and feel a little less alone. My issue isn't with the week. It's not with people sharing stories or asking people how they are or looking after themselves. It's that the people who are in 'power' aren't listening.


I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager. I suffered social anxiety, generalised anxiety, depression and after I had my daughter I suffered from post natal depression. At my most recent health care appointment we traced back where everything started and also came to the conclusion that I may even have been experiencing post traumatic stress from being bullied. 

You are Not Alone This Christmas:

Christmas can be a hard time for a lot of people. Some people are all alone, some may be surrounded by loved ones but feel so very lonely. Some people are struggling with money problems which cause them great stress, anxiety and even depression. There really is a hundred reasons why someone may feel lonely, isolated, depressed or even suicidal which can feel more intense at this time of year.

I want to let you know, that no matter how low you feel you are not alone. There is always somewhere to turn, please don't isolate yourself, please don't give in to overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Below there is a list of numbers that I will be leaving up over the festive period. Please, please use these numbers and websites to contact someone if you feel you need to.

All m love this Christmas and always,

Hannah

(Cupcake Mumma x)

MIND

Website www.mind.org.uk

Tel No 0300 123 3393


Samaritans

Website www.samaritans.org

Tel No 116 123


Alcoholics Anonymous

Tel No 0800 9177650



Stonewall


Website www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20




London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
Tel No 0207 837 7324




SANELine
Website www.sane.org.uk

Tel No 0300 304 7000




Papyrus, Prevention of young suicide
Website www.papyrus-uk.org




National self-help body for the Transgender community 
Beaumont Society

Website http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

Information Line 01582 412220




Childline
Website www.childline.org.uk

0800 1111




Depression Alliance
Website www.depressionalliance.org



Refuge
Website www.refuge.org.uk

Tel No 0808 2000 247




Beat
Beating eating disorders.

Website https://www.b-eat.co.uk

Help line 0345 634 1414
Youth Line 0345 634 7650




Shelter
Website www.shelter.org.uk
Tel No 0808 800 4444




NHS Direct
1111




No Panic
Website http://www.nopanic.org.uk

Tel No 0844 967 4848
youth helpline 01753 840393


Cry-Sis (support to parents with excessive crying, demanding and sleepless babies)
Website http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/
08451 228 669


Dear So and So...

Dear Mind,
So things have taken a turn. I've not been pleasant to be around, so much so my daughter has told me I'm always grumpy and my husband has told me he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. I cannot lie, my heart broke a bit both these times. Whilst I have been off my medication for only a month I have worked hard to keep myself 'up', clearly I thought I was working harder than I actually was. I am deeply frustrated to be given so much in life and yet still be plagued by lonely and unhappy thoughts when I have such a lovely, stable, healthy, happy life. There really is nothing to be sad about. I am trying hard not to hate you right now and focus on the positives: I can see I need help. I am going to get that help again and I am going to set a new goal for October when the children are both in full time school. I'm now wondering if this should be 'Dear Depression' rather than 'Dear Mind' because I want to end with this: I will kick your ass.

Yours, Determined.

Dear, Mr B and my Beautiful Children,

I am deeply sorry for being angry, bad tempered, inpatient and emotional. For making one or all of you feel bad. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty. I am a very lucky girl.

Xxxx

Dear Mum,

Thank you for letting me stay over your house on Friday night. I love where you live, right by the sea. My head is clearer and you are not just my Mother but my best friend too. Not many people get that balance right but I love you, respect you and love being around you. I know you don't need thanks for this but I'm saying it anyway, thank you.

Hannah-Leigh xxxx

Dear Readers,

As usual thank you so much for reading. Thank you to the bloggers who have been so kind this week when I was nervous about my silly tooth being taken out! Thank you to the people who have probably unknowingly made me smile this week. Please link up your letters with Michelle by following the badge below.

Cupcake Mumma

Dear So and So at Mummy from the Heart




The Dad Network

Lowering the Dose Part 4

I think I've been off my medication for over 2 months now. Wow that went fast. I've had a panic attack, I've gone to Bath with my daughter dealing with a lot of high anxiety type stuff (for me) lots of people, catching trains on time, having the right tickets, being on the right train, navigating stations but I've done it. I took my pills away with me incase I got so badly anxious away from home I could chuck one a day and then go back off them when I returned..I am aware of that poor thinking but I must point out I went with the flow. I didn't need those tablets and I haven't needed them since.

However, over the last couple days I have reached my first real challenge. I feel lonely, frustrated, tired and fed up. I've had a long week of sickness bugs (including myself) which left me physically shattered for far longer than anyone else (always the way! I rarely get ill so when I do I find it takes me a little longer to get back to normal running) my mind is overrun with appointments to keep and make regarding Little A and the school chuck more items to add to my calendar. My family are away this weekend but because we have a choice between saving for Christmas and summer holiday activities (by that I don't mean holidays I literally mean little days out and activities) we couldn't afford to go. It stings a little but it's only because I know how beautiful, peaceful and warming it is up there.

You get things happen that are a big deal and then you get these things that are nothing major but they weigh you down. I have some other things going on of course, I'm at this point where I want to change things, where my excessive blushing and fear of doing so has caused so much pain and damage to me psychologically and socially that I want to fight back. I guess as much as I want to it scares the hell out of me and I've found myself in a rather dark place over the last week or so. The theory is to not care anymore, but that's just not easy in practice. I think next week I will see if I can get some therapy for social anxiety with a target on the blushing and erythrophobia (fear of going red) or maybe I'll grow a pair by Monday and start kicking ass anyway!

I'm going to link to my past posts as this is very much part of my Lowering the Dose journey. It's the first real low mood I've had and it's challenging but I know I can overcome it, after all, I brought a spade this time, I can see the light already...




Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose Part 3

So it's been about 4 weeks since I first visited my GP and started my journey to come off my medication for low mood and anxiety. I started by completely lowering the dose and this has been my first week where I have not taken a single tablet. It was decided by both myself and my doctor on Monday that now was as good a time as any to leave the medication behind (based on already missing days on my lowered dose and managing well).

How do I feel? Well it's been challenging that's for sure. I'm not sure how long it takes to start feeling a bit more 'normal' after being on medication for such a long period of time (4 years may not sound long to some people but it really is) I have experienced mood swings and have been quite angry too which isn't nice at all but I'm assured its quite common to feel this way and it won't last for too long. I'll get back to you guys at a later date to let you know how I'm getting on!

I do feel good though. I feel positive that I'm doing the right thing at the right time. Anything that is making me anxious or feel low right now cannot be helped with medication, only positive steps and moving forward. I can't lie, it feels difficult but I know it'll get better. I'm having a tough time with Little A at the moment and its led me to doubt my decision which is nuts because regardless of whether I am on medication or not he can have periods of time that are pretty tough to deal with like most pre schoolers!

I'm hoping in a few weeks I will be used to not relying on the tablets being there when I feel like I need them which is how it has been for months, I really don't need to be on them anymore. I hope I have even more belief in myself and mainly that all these emotions I'm feeling and the bad temper I'm experiencing will have disappeared. I think that's the worse part for me!

* I've been reducing my tablets for anxiety and low mood with advice and support from my GP. If you feel it's time to stop or to lower your medication then I wish you all the best but please seek advice and remember, if you really don't feel right then go back to your GP and talk it through. There are no prizes for struggling through and suffering alone, so do keep talking, be kind to yourself and of course, let me know how you're getting on if you wish to share your thoughts!

Other posts on Lowering the Dose:


Are these posts helpful? Let me know in the comments below.

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose

Last week I visited the GP, a lovely woman who is always so honest and supportive of my decisions, to lower my medication. I take medication for my anxiety (general and social) and for low moods. I've been in a better frame of mind for some time now and with the help of some actual daylight I began to feel more positive. I had been forgetting to take my pills so often I was effectively on a lower dose anyway, it just made sense.

So I've been on my lowered dose a week now..I feel different. I feel like I'm fighting something. I'm not sure if this new positive me that has ideas of breaking free from my social anxiety to actually do something (namely
Volunteer) is maybe playing havoc with my mind or if actually I don't need these pills anymore at all. I sometimes forgot my pills so often there would be 2 weeks full in a sachet. I didn't really think about it..I felt,for once, 'normal.' So maybe I don't need them? Maybe this brain of mine is chemically balanced enough and is feeling worse WITH the medication? Is that possible?

I've no idea. I don't think I have a problem any more that a pill can help control. I have a problem with fear. Knowing that I can't do this, what I do everyday, forever. That actually I'm beginning to not want to. I'm beginning to want a life. To be in a work place, to help out, to chat and be sociable but I'm keeping myself a prisoner. Social Anxiety..the fear of social situations. No pill can cure that. Not even good old CBT is/was enough. I've got to jump in with both feet and don't I know it....

Just not yet..I'm the determined diver with a fear of heights on that edge, trying not to look down but willing myself to fall forwards. I'm still just not quite ready to take the plunge...

Cupcake Mumma

Accepting my Mental Health and Need for Medication

Three weeks ago I noticed how I just wasn't myself anymore. My husband couldn't work out why until he asked me "are you still taking your tablets?"

No. No I wasn't and I didn't want to. I had spent at least 2 weeks with a smile on my face and feeling pretty good. Prior to that I had been forgetting to take them and as I felt okay I made the rather foolish decision to stop taking them. Maybe I can be normal again? I thought. Fast forward a week and I'm overthinking, anxious about play groups, about ordering my costa, about bumping into people I know. I don't want to leave the house, I'm tired, angry, sad and more than anything so frustrated at myself.

After a brief online conversation I was made to realise that needing my tablets was OK. That so many people out there need their medication to feel normal and I am one of them. Accepting that is no bad thing. I'm very thankful for that conversation because it made me realise something. If I had high blood pressure, asthma, diabetes or a physical illness then i'd take my medication and I wouldn't screw around with it because it would be helping me. So now I will do the same with the tablets which are helping my mental health. They balance the chemicals, they help my anxiety which in turns help me to feel happier and well.

A-Z Challenge- L

L is for Little Miss

Also known on this blog as 'Midge. My adorable, stubborn, strong willed drama queen of a 5 year old daughter.

Little Miss and I didn't have a great start to this whole Mother and Daughter business. After she was born I just couldn't bond with my baby girl and it didn't take long to be at the grips of postnatal depression. The depression twisted my thoughts, my heart. It made me think and say things that I just did not truly believe. It made me hand over my week old daughter and beg my now Husband to leave me, take her and never come back.

How glad am I that I grabbed my depression by the throat and threw it out into the night? Incredibly glad. My daughter is exactly like me. She is stubborn, sensitive, prone to shyness and always wanting to be liked. She is a caring member of her class, always helping other children out when they need it, always helping the teacher if they ask. She's a bit of a suck up in some ways (just like me then!)

We both love nature and art. We will be in our element when sat writing or colouring in. We both loved our old house and miss the countryside, so when we visit my Mum and Dad's place I always get moaned at until we venture out to the harbour, see the boats, the sea and maybe grab a sneaky ice cream!

Midge  saved me in many ways. Ways only I will ever know. My baby girl means the world to me.

CupcakeMumma

The Pain of Post Natal Depression

Last week I was saddened to hear of at least three suicides committed by sufferers of Post Natal Depression (PND) This has prompted me to write openly, to anyone suffering from PND right now. To acknowledge that pain, that sadness, that confusion and fear that is being felt.

I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many people that do care. Whether they are family or friends or perhaps complete strangers, there is someone out there who will listen. Who will understand. Who will want to help you.


When Your Baby Just Won't Stop Crying

If you're here looking for answers, for an amazing new product or some revolutionary piece of advice, then I'm sorry, but you're out of luck. However, if you're here because you've just had the night from hell then please, take a seat, have a cuppa and know you're not alone.

Last night my Little Man (who is 20 months old) cried and cried and cried. He cried from 9pm until 3am. We watched Charlie and Lola 3 different times. He was offered milk which he refused and offered it again later which he drank. He had calpol. Lots of hugs, 'shhh'ing and pacing was done both by myself and my Husband. Neither of us could settle him.

He wasn't wet and hadn't soiled his nappy. He is teething and he was over tired. Actually he was past over tired in all honesty and just wouldn't let himself go. His head touched the cot and he screamed.

We tried the ever controversial control crying. That was useless with my Midge who didn't sleep through the night until she was 2 and a half years old (I know, hold me) but it has worked with Little Man in the past when he was being a little bit cheeky with his sleep. This time he wasn't being cheeky, or stubborn. There was something wrong and something I couldn't do anything about.

We got to the stage where the crying was too much and of course the Husband and I started to feel the stress and had a few cross words. Let me tell you something. When people are tired they can say the most horrible things but you must try not to bite back. Usually I'm pretty bad when it comes to arguments but last night I bit my tongue and knew it was just the heat of the moment, the awful stress and the crying just going through the both of us.

In the end, after Little man had sat up with Daddy once and then a second time being pushed too and fro in the front room in his stroller (after this all options were exhausted) he fell asleep. He woke up again however headbanging (which we're no stranger to).

At about 3am Husband finally came to bed after insisting I grabbed a few hours because I had to get  up with Midge for the school run. It was at this hour he asked me for a hug and apologised for anything he said. Of course I accepted this apology and told him it was all okay. Luckily, Little Man stayed asleep from that moment until 10am. I did the washing up, made Midge's Harvest Festival costume and tidied a bit before Husband got up at 9.30am.

We managed to have a good day today which makes everything better. I am absolutely shattered but have managed to do the housework, homework, blogging and even cooked myself a decent dinner. No I don't want an award, I'm just surprised at myself.

Last night I felt like leaping out of my window and running away (if I could, what with the broken ankle I'd be sure to end up with!) I hate that feeling of intense desperation that engulfs me when I hit a point of exhausting all avenues. I felt awful that my baby was crying at me and yet I couldn't do a thing to make him better.
Ultimately I know these nights are few and far between (at least I hope!) after being there with Midge I really don't want to go back there with Little Man. Lack of sleep reduces you to a miserable, anti social wreck. I'd go as far to say that when I was in that phase with Midge, I didn't even want to be here anymore. Honest.

Hopefully tonight will be a better night. We are calpoled and Anbesoled up, we are warm and cosy and clean. We have Vicks on the radiator and have had a decent routine to our day with a bit of fresh air too. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do. I wouldn't have been able to get through last night without my Husband. He really is my rock.

If you're having trouble with a sleeping child I can really offer you my full sympathy! You are not alone in the slightest.

CupcakeMumma

My Next Challenge

Last year myself and my neighbours found out we could return to some peace and quiet on a Friday and Saturday night after a year of hell from a nightclub behind us. My house is directly (pretty much) behind said nightclub which, as you can imagine, was not so great.

When we moved here we had no idea we were moving behind a restaurant who had just applied for a license to sell alcohol from 5pm and play live and recorded music in a club they wanted to open until 3am in the morning. I didn't find out about this until I sifted through a stack of post belonging to the old occupants. You can imagine my horror to discover this information after moving from a bottom flat which housed a youth who played loud music every week.

We were lent some money when it got too much and were about to leave our home again when I got the news that the club license was going to be revoked. I was over the moon and the peace of 5 nights a week went back to 7 nights a week. Bliss.

But I find myself now, less than a year on, having to fight new owners of a new restaurant who also want to open the club, under the same name, with the same idea. Play loud, thudding music until 3am and serve alcohol to the same people who last time stabbed a man, smashed cars parked outside my house, ripped off wing mirrors, caused massive sleep disturbance to most of us living here.
There is no sound proofing. To be honest, even if there was it wouldn't stop the thudding I hear downstairs.

The main problem is and the real reason I take such a perhaps over-the-top view to some people, is last time it really badly effected me. Mentally.

I often couldn't sleep until gone 4am and would be plagued by nerves most evenings, even when I knew the club wouldn't be open. I would spend the whole week dreading Friday and Saturday. My nerves upset my stomach, making me physically ill. I would shake. Purely psychological but it's something that is deep rooted. Something I went to therapy for but it couldn't be stopped. The only thing that returned me to almost 'normal' state (I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder which is crippling when a problem like this comes to the surface threatening to take all my hard word work away) was the club being shut down.

Most people I have spoken to are so weak. They don't *think* anything will happen. Do they know? No. They don't. Will they do anything about it? No. They won't. So I will. For the second time, but right from the beginning I am tackling my demons. I have made posters to pop into letterboxes and I won't rest until I know this club won't ruin my life again.

I wasn't a good Mum last time. I wasn't a good partner. The thought of this happening again terrifies me.  Wish me luck!

Teen Mum

I've never really talked about being a teen mother before. If I'm honest it never bothered me too much. When I was 17 I never noticed girls the same age or younger with bumps, I never judged and as far as I know when I was that teen with a bump I too was never judged. I'm sure people had their opinions but they were never voiced to me.In fact I think I've always judged myself more.

My daughter was not a mistake. Of course at 17 she was most certainly not planned but to label her a mistake not only makes me feel awful but could you imagine what it would do to her? However she was not much of a surprise either! I had only been with my partner for 3 months when I found out I was expecting a baby at 17 years of age. There was no question in my mind what had to be done for me and I was lucky that I had Other Half who was happy to support me even though he himself was scared witless.
I met my midwife at 5 weeks pregnant. I didn't really know what to think let alone feel. My midwife was okay, I wasn't overly fond of her but then again I'm not overly fond of any health care professional! As my pregnancy went on I hardly saw my midwife at all which was very strange considering i was first time mother. I was still painfully shy when I was 17 and so was not keen to voice my concerns, to ask for help. I suffered morning sickness for 4 months constantly which was vile and based on my second pregnancy where much the same happened if I were to be confident enough to ask for help I would've been prescribed some anti-sickness tablets.

Eventually my aunt, a midwife of over 30 years, took over my care.
Over this time there were the difficulties many people, especially teens, experience when finding out they're pregnant. I had just left my course at college and was meant to be going onto a National Diploma course. I cancelled my place as there was no way I would be able to keep up after I gave birth. There was also the housing issue. My family had a 3 bed house where I shared with my sister and my partners family also had a 3 bed where he had his own room. I spent more time at his place and eventually we made the decision to live over there.

Other Half was still in college studying for his sports diploma and I had just heard that job centre would support us, this was before everything changed with regards to the benefit system. At the time however this was a great relief for us. We had no luck whatsoever in regards to the council housing. The only way to get on the ever growing list was to claim both our parents were having to make us homeless. I was not prepared to lie so I could be chucked into some B&B and then end up on some unsavoury council estate.

After I had Little Miss we stayed at my Mums. It wasn't great though and this is when I started to go down hill. My Mum last cared for a baby when my sister (16 at the time) was born so she had lost the confidence she once had. I felt no one could really help me. No one prepared me for how sore and uncomfortable I would be after the birth. I had a 3rd degree tear, I couldn't pee without screaming and I was too tired for words. I think I should write a very open and honest account of what some mothers' experience post birth!

After some time we went back to my in laws as my partner was due to go back to college. This is where I deteriorated further. I felt I was too young to care for my baby, she didn't sleep well, I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I never changed a nappy unless I was alone for fear of getting something wrong, being laughed at, even judged possibly. In my mind it was something that was going to happen.
The atmosphere began to deteriorate. I'm still not sure till this day what happened. There was a lot of people in a nice but small house and my mental health had definitely contributed to the meltdown, albeit very silently.

One day I packed all our stuff and placed it on the dining room table, hugged my partner, strapped my baby into her carseat in the back of my Aunts car and went home. It wasn't the highlight of my years that's for sure and in particular it could even be perceived as cruel but I was slowly braking down inside and I don't believe I had any grasp on how i behaved/came across. I wasn't the only one in the wrong over this time though.
Things over time didn't get much brighter when living with my parents. Other Half was travelling a very long way everyday to keep up with college, there were arguments between us, between my family and between his family. To say the first 2 years of my daughters life was great would be a huge lie! I missed a lot through the stress, the depression, anxiety, insecurities and I wish I could take it back. I'm not even sure how I'd go back and change things because what happened seemed pretty inevitable when looking back.

It does get better! We eventually got our first flat, Other Half went on job seekers after a rather unfortunate event and we didn't get off job seekers for 18months. We moved house again but that experience was damp, cold and we lived below a rude young male who played loud music, smoked drugs and threw beer cans out of the window. He even had friends who were threatening to Other Half. We ran from there after only a couple of months, I was heavily pregnant and my anxiety had once again reached an uncomfortable peak. Now the home we live in is lovely. The neighbours are nice (what you see of them!) we have a garden, and we can stay here for a fair while.

I think a lot of teenage parents experience this problem. They fall pregnant (like any first time parent) not really knowing what on earth happens next. The added problem is that we are often not in jobs, we are not living in our own accommodation. We then have to rely on the kindness of our families to accommodate us and a baby which can bring much hardship to a family. Babies are loud and sometimes inconsolable. I know my brother, for example struggled having us sleeping (or not in Little Miss's case) in the room next to his. Often a house can feel too small for everyone and relationships can brake down.I firmly believe this is what happened several times along my first years as a new mother.

I am grateful to anyone who supported me along the way especially in times of difficulty. I think looking back there were times where people could have been more open and honest (myself included) and I also think other times some people could have been more patient.
 This is how I became a mother. I don't recommend it to anyone but there are plenty of young parents out there who do an amazing job of raising their children and there are some who don't do such a good job and the same can be said of parents who are older.

I don't feel happy when a young person I know or know of says they are pregnant. They may be very happy (after all i was 21, one child born, engaged and living in my own house when I had my second so still very young!) but I feel a bit sad for them. I don't have an education, I study from home but that is really hard work especially when you have poorly or teething babies and you're running on almost empty.
After all is said and done though, I feel I'm not doing a bad job at this mother lark and I know of a lot of young parents who also deserve a pat on the back. Especially if they've not had the best start (or the start they dreamed of) with their precious bundle.


Cupcake Mumma

Black Dog Tribe


There's a new charity that has been set up by comedian Ruby Wax all in the name of helping people who suffer with mental illness.
I've been there, not severely thank God but far enough to know it's a miserable, isolating, all consuming place of emptiness  desperation and sometimes so bad you contemplate not even existing anymore.
That's where Black Dog Tribe comes in, please have a look, it's a great new charity and aims to help everyone from suffers, those moving into recovery and friends and families of those going through mental illness. It's can be incredibly difficult and hard to understand those who suffer mental illness but is help out there for those who both live with it, and those who live along side it.
I hope I've summed that up right.

Anyway, Maummasauras has decided to take some Chirstmassy action so I have joined in with a festive photo to add to her video idea!

Little Man chilling with his mates!

And what makes me, me!


Sorry they're not funny, but they're Christmas like! 

Hannahx