Mental Health Awareness Week: We are Talking. You're Just not Listening

This week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. Of course I love to share these weeks with everyone; there are some amazingly strong and inspirational people out there. There are also some people really struggling out there who stumble across posts and tweets and feel a little less alone. My issue isn't with the week. It's not with people sharing stories or asking people how they are or looking after themselves. It's that the people who are in 'power' aren't listening.

I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager. I suffered social anxiety, generalised anxiety, depression and after I had my daughter I suffered from post natal depression. At my most recent health care appointment we traced back where everything started and also came to the conclusion that I may even have been experiencing post traumatic stress from being bullied. 

Tackling my Social Anxiety and Blushing

The best way to tackle the kind of fear I have is, I believe, to go right in and keep doing the same thing until eventually it all feels easier and better and I can go "what was I worried about?" *insert nervous chuckle*

In reality I just don't feel I can do it. That's partly my brain saying you can't do that, I won't do that, that's not a good idea, oh no you won't cope with that and partly this weird, truly odd feeling like I'm being physically restrained and I cannot physically 'do' the things I want to do (like go out with a group, or getting a job or volunteering!) I WANT to do those things. "So do them!" People say. Let me do something here:

You are standing on a spot. In front of you is a box. It's as big as you want it to be, it's big enough for you to go in. If you're afraid of small spaces you're already getting the drift but if not please continue... In this box is your biggest fear, (if you don't have one, you can read on for general understanding) your fear is in this box and I'm telling you to go in it. Go on, it's easy..right?

Now just because I'm scared of talking in front of people, of being in most social situations, of interviews and so on and it sounds totally bonkers doesn't mean it's daft and easy to deal with. I mean, if I was so inclined I'd say your fear of little spiders/sheep/foods/frogs and what not was bonkers but I'm an understanding person (who is petrified of cows, let's not forget that) so no judgments from me.

I digress, my big fear is something I wish to shake off, to lose, to deal with and come to terms with. I already understand anxiety but I need more which is why I have self referred myself to outlook southwest where I will wait to see another cognitive behaviour therapist. I had my telephone assessment yesterday instead of waiting for the end of July to come around before I could meet someone in person. The assessment was...hard I guess. The lady was lovely, I wasn't too nervous and because I wasn't face to face I think I was a bit more honest. My anxiety was marked as low, which is understandable given I'm not anxious unless facing my fear. My avoidance score was high and my depression score was moderate. I have been referred for CBT and will hear soon when this will start. She also mentioned something else to address my other feelings, after all it's all very deep rooted this blushing business and I agree, maybe I do need extra help in order to accept myself.

No one can help me until I help myself so this is the start. This is where we start chipping at the wall of Social Anxiety Disorder and Excessive Blushing until that bastard wall collapses!

I know my readers are rooting for me and I know a lot of you have been or are still going through similar. Some of you I am inspired by and others provide me great comfort. Onward and upwards Cupcakes!

Cupcake Mumma

You are Not Alone This Christmas:

Christmas can be a hard time for a lot of people. Some people are all alone, some may be surrounded by loved ones but feel so very lonely. Some people are struggling with money problems which cause them great stress, anxiety and even depression. There really is a hundred reasons why someone may feel lonely, isolated, depressed or even suicidal which can feel more intense at this time of year.

I want to let you know, that no matter how low you feel you are not alone. There is always somewhere to turn, please don't isolate yourself, please don't give in to overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Below there is a list of numbers that I will be leaving up over the festive period. Please, please use these numbers and websites to contact someone if you feel you need to.

All m love this Christmas and always,

Hannah

(Cupcake Mumma x)

MIND

Website www.mind.org.uk

Tel No 0300 123 3393


Samaritans

Website www.samaritans.org

Tel No 116 123


Alcoholics Anonymous

Tel No 0800 9177650

Stonewall

Website www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

Tel No 0207 837 7324

SANELine

Website www.sane.org.uk

Tel No 0300 304 7000

Papyrus, Prevention of young suicide

Website www.papyrus-uk.org

National self-help body for the Transgender community 

Beaumont Society

Website http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

Information Line 01582 412220

Childline

Website www.childline.org.uk

0800 1111

Depression Alliance

Website www.depressionalliance.org



Refuge

Website www.refuge.org.uk

Tel No 0808 2000 247

Beat

Beating eating disorders.

Website https://www.b-eat.co.uk

Help line 0345 634 1414
Youth Line 0345 634 7650

Shelter

Website www.shelter.org.uk
Tel No 0808 800 4444

NHS Direct

1111

No Panic

Website http://www.nopanic.org.uk

Tel No 0844 967 4848
youth helpline 01753 840393


Cry-Sis (support to parents with excessive crying, demanding and sleepless babies)

Website http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/
08451 228 669

Just Waffling...

I've been a little quiet lately. A part from catching up every week with our goings on I've not really put much else out there. It's okay, I'm not worried about the lack of blog posts going up, I stopped being one of *those* bloggers a long time ago. I have missed blogging though. The truth is I haven't been feeling myself. I haven't wanted to do much at all, especially the things that I enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed and this, at least for me, isn't that. Nothing bad has happened, we are all well. Well, I'm a little unwell but I have to wait 2 weeks to see my doctor and even then it's probably nothing. I'm not even unwell actually, just a niggling thing that is worrying me so I want to have my mind put at rest which is no bad thing.

I'm just a little low. I've adjusted to A being in school now and he's idoing well. Midge hasn't changed at all, she hasn't suddenly become miss independent, she still very much needs me. I'm used to being on my own a lot more and it's okay. The days go really fast still though, I find that weird. What I'm actually doing is not facing my problems. For whatever reason I am shutting myself away and not dealing with anything.

I'm not dealing with my weight gain despite feeling like a big pile of yuck. Sure you look at me in the street and you'd say "you're tiny you've got nothing to worry about!" (Don't say that to me, I really won't like you very much) but underneath I just feel yuck. I don't feel attractive, yet here I am in the afternoon writing this, thinking this and not exercising, not doing anything remotely good in the direction of helping myself. I'm unfit, I'm not particularly healthy and really need to sort myself out.

Secondly I've come to that point that I know people wonder what the heck I do all day. The answer? Not a lot. I get to keep on top of the housework like every other parent, I get to de clutter, then I sit on my bum or run a few errands. Am I bored? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of this time, I'll be working one day and I won't have all this free time. The house will be hard to keep with, the out going mail will be piled up, the day will fly by and I just won't be so free, so why not be a bit lazy! Why not enjoy this luxury for a little while? Sod what everyone else thinks.

I do want to do *something* though. I've decided I need to see if some form of therapy, such as CBT will help me overcome my blushing fears and anxiety. Anxiety wise I am not the same person I was a few years ago. I am more confident but when it comes to meeting up with people, or even the thought of volunteering, being interviewed, having to work it's too much. It's overwhelming and hard to explain and I need to deal with it because I can't keep up anymore. I have missed so much because of blushing and you can't avoid work forever, I wouldn't want to. I am hard working, loyal, a good person, I have strengths and weaknesses. I may have no experiences other than personal ones but that's okay. It's why I need to volunteer though, I want to get confident and I want to learn. I want to have a routine and be appreciated. May be that last one is a bit far fetched, I wonder how many people actually feel appreciated in their job!?

Anyway, that's why I've been quiet. Things 'upstairs' have been busy, pre occupied and lost. I know I have the answers, I know I need to fix things myself and it's my job to do that. I'll let you know how I get on (when I eventually get out from my sons Thomas duvet on the sofa)

Cupcake Mumma

*this post has been added to my mental health page here.

Dear So and So...

Dear Mind,

So things have taken a turn. I've not been pleasant to be around, so much so my daughter has told me I'm always grumpy and my husband has told me he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. I cannot lie, my heart broke a bit both these times. Whilst I have been off my medication for only a month I have worked hard to keep myself 'up', clearly I thought I was working harder than I actually was. I am deeply frustrated to be given so much in life and yet still be plagued by lonely and unhappy thoughts when I have such a lovely, stable, healthy, happy life. There really is nothing to be sad about. I am trying hard not to hate you right now and focus on the positives: I can see I need help. I am going to get that help again and I am going to set a new goal for October when the children are both in full time school. I'm now wondering if this should be 'Dear Depression' rather than 'Dear Mind' because I want to end with this: I will kick your ass.

Yours, Determined.

Dear, Mr B and my Beautiful Children,

I am deeply sorry for being angry, bad tempered, inpatient and emotional. For making one or all of you feel bad. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty. I am a very lucky girl.

Xxxx

Dear Mum,

Thank you for letting me stay over your house on Friday night. I love where you live, right by the sea. My head is clearer and you are not just my Mother but my best friend too. Not many people get that balance right but I love you, respect you and love being around you. I know you don't need thanks for this but I'm saying it anyway, thank you.

Hannah-Leigh xxxx

Dear Readers,

As usual thank you so much for reading. Thank you to the bloggers who have been so kind this week when I was nervous about my silly tooth being taken out! Thank you to the people who have probably unknowingly made me smile this week. Please link up your letters with Michelle by following the badge below.

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose Part 4

I think I've been off my medication for over 2 months now. Wow that went fast. I've had a panic attack, I've gone to Bath with my daughter dealing with a lot of high anxiety type stuff (for me) lots of people, catching trains on time, having the right tickets, being on the right train, navigating stations but I've done it. I took my pills away with me incase I got so badly anxious away from home I could chuck one a day and then go back off them when I returned..I am aware of that poor thinking but I must point out I went with the flow. I didn't need those tablets and I haven't needed them since.

However, over the last couple days I have reached my first real challenge. I feel lonely, frustrated, tired and fed up. I've had a long week of sickness bugs (including myself) which left me physically shattered for far longer than anyone else (always the way! I rarely get ill so when I do I find it takes me a little longer to get back to normal running) my mind is overrun with appointments to keep and make regarding Little A and the school chuck more items to add to my calendar. My family are away this weekend but because we have a choice between saving for Christmas and summer holiday activities (by that I don't mean holidays I literally mean little days out and activities) we couldn't afford to go. It stings a little but it's only because I know how beautiful, peaceful and warming it is up there.

You get things happen that are a big deal and then you get these things that are nothing major but they weigh you down. I have some other things going on of course, I'm at this point where I want to change things, where my excessive blushing and fear of doing so has caused so much pain and damage to me psychologically and socially that I want to fight back. I guess as much as I want to it scares the hell out of me and I've found myself in a rather dark place over the last week or so. The theory is to not care anymore, but that's just not easy in practice. I think next week I will see if I can get some therapy for social anxiety with a target on the blushing and erythrophobia (fear of going red) or maybe I'll grow a pair by Monday and start kicking ass anyway!

I'm going to link to my past posts as this is very much part of my Lowering the Dose journey. It's the first real low mood I've had and it's challenging but I know I can overcome it, after all, I brought a spade this time, I can see the light already...

Lowering the Dose Part 1

Lowering the Dose Part 2

Lowering the Dose Part 3

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose Part 3

So it's been about 4 weeks since I first visited my GP and started my journey to come off my medication for low mood and anxiety. I started by completely lowering the dose and this has been my first week where I have not taken a single tablet. It was decided by both myself and my doctor on Monday that now was as good a time as any to leave the medication behind (based on already missing days on my lowered dose and managing well).

How do I feel? Well it's been challenging that's for sure. I'm not sure how long it takes to start feeling a bit more 'normal' after being on medication for such a long period of time (4 years may not sound long to some people but it really is) I have experienced mood swings and have been quite angry too which isn't nice at all but I'm assured its quite common to feel this way and it won't last for too long. I'll get back to you guys at a later date to let you know how I'm getting on!

I do feel good though. I feel positive that I'm doing the right thing at the right time. Anything that is making me anxious or feel low right now cannot be helped with medication, only positive steps and moving forward. I can't lie, it feels difficult but I know it'll get better. I'm having a tough time with Little A at the moment and its led me to doubt my decision which is nuts because regardless of whether I am on medication or not he can have periods of time that are pretty tough to deal with like most pre schoolers!

I'm hoping in a few weeks I will be used to not relying on the tablets being there when I feel like I need them which is how it has been for months, I really don't need to be on them anymore. I hope I have even more belief in myself and mainly that all these emotions I'm feeling and the bad temper I'm experiencing will have disappeared. I think that's the worse part for me!

* I've been reducing my tablets for anxiety and low mood with advice and support from my GP. If you feel it's time to stop or to lower your medication then I wish you all the best but please seek advice and remember, if you really don't feel right then go back to your GP and talk it through. There are no prizes for struggling through and suffering alone, so do keep talking, be kind to yourself and of course, let me know how you're getting on if you wish to share your thoughts!

Other posts on Lowering the Dose:

Lowering the Dose Part 1

Lowering the Dose Part 2

Are these posts helpful? Let me know in the comments below.

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose

Last week I visited the GP, a lovely woman who is always so honest and supportive of my decisions, to lower my medication. I take medication for my anxiety (general and social) and for low moods. I've been in a better frame of mind for some time now and with the help of some actual daylight I began to feel more positive. I had been forgetting to take my pills so often I was effectively on a lower dose anyway, it just made sense.

So I've been on my lowered dose a week now..I feel different. I feel like I'm fighting something. I'm not sure if this new positive me that has ideas of breaking free from my social anxiety to actually do something (namely
Volunteer) is maybe playing havoc with my mind or if actually I don't need these pills anymore at all. I sometimes forgot my pills so often there would be 2 weeks full in a sachet. I didn't really think about it..I felt,for once, 'normal.' So maybe I don't need them? Maybe this brain of mine is chemically balanced enough and is feeling worse WITH the medication? Is that possible?

I've no idea. I don't think I have a problem any more that a pill can help control. I have a problem with fear. Knowing that I can't do this, what I do everyday, forever. That actually I'm beginning to not want to. I'm beginning to want a life. To be in a work place, to help out, to chat and be sociable but I'm keeping myself a prisoner. Social Anxiety..the fear of social situations. No pill can cure that. Not even good old CBT is/was enough. I've got to jump in with both feet and don't I know it....

Just not yet..I'm the determined diver with a fear of heights on that edge, trying not to look down but willing myself to fall forwards. I'm still just not quite ready to take the plunge...

Cupcake Mumma

Accepting my Mental Health and Need for Medication

Three weeks ago I noticed how I just wasn't myself anymore. My husband couldn't work out why until he asked me "are you still taking your tablets?"

No. No I wasn't and I didn't want to. I had spent at least 2 weeks with a smile on my face and feeling pretty good. Prior to that I had been forgetting to take them and as I felt okay I made the rather foolish decision to stop taking them. Maybe I can be normal again? I thought. Fast forward a week and I'm overthinking, anxious about play groups, about ordering my costa, about bumping into people I know. I don't want to leave the house, I'm tired, angry, sad and more than anything so frustrated at myself.

After a brief online conversation I was made to realise that needing my tablets was OK. That so many people out there need their medication to feel normal and I am one of them. Accepting that is no bad thing. I'm very thankful for that conversation because it made me realise something. If I had high blood pressure, asthma, diabetes or a physical illness then i'd take my medication and I wouldn't screw around with it because it would be helping me. So now I will do the same with the tablets which are helping my mental health. They balance the chemicals, they help my anxiety which in turns help me to feel happier and well.

Anxiety

I don't talk much about anxiety or depression as generally I like to think I'm moving away from these things (although really they're always there, waiting for an opportunity to pounce on a low day, out of the blue) but 2 days ago I had a brush with the old anxiety which left me feeling a bit stupid. A bit vulnerable. All the things that anxiety is particularly good at making you feel.

I thought I'd take the children out for a lovely day. Get out the house, grab a change of scenery and perhaps waste some pennies in a pound store on craft things (even though we have plenty!) I thought I was ready to deal with 2 children, a pushchair and figure out the trains and busy streets. I think I was ready to be honest, just a series of unfortunate events hampered my positive attitude and determined mind.

My Next Challenge

Last year myself and my neighbours found out we could return to some peace and quiet on a Friday and Saturday night after a year of hell from a nightclub behind us. My house is directly (pretty much) behind said nightclub which, as you can imagine, was not so great.

When we moved here we had no idea we were moving behind a restaurant who had just applied for a license to sell alcohol from 5pm and play live and recorded music in a club they wanted to open until 3am in the morning. I didn't find out about this until I sifted through a stack of post belonging to the old occupants. You can imagine my horror to discover this information after moving from a bottom flat which housed a youth who played loud music every week.

We were lent some money when it got too much and were about to leave our home again when I got the news that the club license was going to be revoked. I was over the moon and the peace of 5 nights a week went back to 7 nights a week. Bliss.

But I find myself now, less than a year on, having to fight new owners of a new restaurant who also want to open the club, under the same name, with the same idea. Play loud, thudding music until 3am and serve alcohol to the same people who last time stabbed a man, smashed cars parked outside my house, ripped off wing mirrors, caused massive sleep disturbance to most of us living here.
There is no sound proofing. To be honest, even if there was it wouldn't stop the thudding I hear downstairs.

The main problem is and the real reason I take such a perhaps over-the-top view to some people, is last time it really badly effected me. Mentally.

I often couldn't sleep until gone 4am and would be plagued by nerves most evenings, even when I knew the club wouldn't be open. I would spend the whole week dreading Friday and Saturday. My nerves upset my stomach, making me physically ill. I would shake. Purely psychological but it's something that is deep rooted. Something I went to therapy for but it couldn't be stopped. The only thing that returned me to almost 'normal' state (I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder which is crippling when a problem like this comes to the surface threatening to take all my hard word work away) was the club being shut down.

Most people I have spoken to are so weak. They don't *think* anything will happen. Do they know? No. They don't. Will they do anything about it? No. They won't. So I will. For the second time, but right from the beginning I am tackling my demons. I have made posters to pop into letterboxes and I won't rest until I know this club won't ruin my life again.

I wasn't a good Mum last time. I wasn't a good partner. The thought of this happening again terrifies me.  Wish me luck!